• Brian Lee

#ManMoments Why I Don’t Want a Woman Like My Mother


If someone were to ask me how I would describe the perfect woman, I would say I want someone who is mentally and physically attractive. Mentally attractive enough to where we can hold conversations and talk the night away. And physically attractive enough to where we can get the neighbors up at night. I want to be nurturing and strong. And lastly, I want her to act nothing like my mom. Women have been told that how a man will treat a woman will be how that man treats his mother. Does he treat her like a Queen? Does he hold her in the highest regard? I mean, every man wants a woman like his mom, right? Well I don’t. Growing up, my parents were my example of a loving couple and had two boys, my brother and me. My dad was my hero. We went everywhere together. He taught me how to fish, play sports, respect women, etc. He taught me all of my life skills. My mom taught me how to balance a checkbook and budget. They were a good match, complimented each other’s parenting style well. As we grew up, my brother gravitated to my mom and I gravitated to my dad. My dad went to all of my practices and games and my mom went to all of my brother’s. Growing up, I started noticing things. My mom was less concerned about what I did or how I was. It seemed like she only cared about my brother. Later in life she said that one child usually needs one parent more than another. I’ve asked others about this, and they said the same thing in regards to one child needing more. So, as I grew up, I grew further and further from my mom. I knew teachers at school better than my own mother, whom I saw everyday. And she began to not know me either. Now, all of this was fine by me because my dad would force things between my mom and me. If she cooked, I had to thank her. If I had a game, my dad would make her come. Things would be shaken up a few days after my 15th birthday. December 5, 1999 is a day that I will never forget. My hero left this Earth. I was confused and lost. I didn’t know what to do. My mom was crushed. She was lost. The only man she’d ever loved was gone. So, I had to step up. My goal was to be her rock. If she needed to cry, I was her shoulder. If she needed support, I’d support her. I was there to help with the house and my brother. I had to learn to be a man after my role model was gone. So, as I was going through the motions of life, I never gave myself the chance to properly grieve as I had to be a rock for my family. I yearned for affection. I yearned for guidance. I yearned. Then, I found affection. It wasn’t in the place I thought it would be. I thought my mom would be there for my emotional support. I thought she would provide that guidance. I thought I wouldn’t be alone. And I found out that I wasn’t. Not because of her; I had friends and family who wanted to help me. Eight or nine months later, I started dating a girl. We met at school after baseball practice. As we dated, I would come by her house after school or practice. Her mom would cook dinner and make a plate for me. The more I would come by, the more we would just talk. It was the first time in my life that I felt unconditional love. And it was the mother of my girlfriend. About six months later, I started making college choices. In my head, I was making the first real decision in my life. So, I did what was “natural,” I talked to my mom. I offered decisions as I was offered a few different scholarships. I had the state scholarship and I was offered scholarships to attend most HBCUs in the country. But I was set on staying in the state. So, I asked her opinion on a few near home and others on the other side of the state. She looked at me and said, “it’s your choice. Go wherever you want.” I was crushed. My first decision, and I have to make it without her input. So, I asked my girlfriend’s mom. She told me that I should pick a school that gives me support and a challenging program. So I made my choice. I went to LSU. Many years and many bad decisions later, I considered the enlisting in the military. Once again, i did the “natural” thing and asked my mom. She was thrilled at the prospect. So I asked her about which branch to serve. She said, “it’s your decision, you know what’s best for you.” Once again, I was crushed. My mom served 23 years in the Navy, but yet, she decided to pass on giving me the benefit of her knowledge and experience.

In the process of deciding to join the military, I met a new girl. We met, and after repeatedly trying, I got her number. Her family experienced a big loss, so during the holidays, I invited her to my mom’s house for a holiday meal. My mom loved her immediately. First girl I brought by that my mom actually liked. I can see why though. Similar height and mannerisms. Similar complexion. And she tried to gain my mother’s blessing. That she did. Fast forward a bit, and I realized something. The new girl would let me do whatever I wanted. She didn’t display that strength I wanted. She experienced a lot as a young child so she was strong, just not secure in herself. Then, I realized why her and my mom got along so well. They were the same person. They were strong, but not secure in their interactions with me. My mom just didn’t know me, and the new girl just wasn’t confident in herself. This is the longest way to say why I don’t want a woman like my mother. But the backstory gives a bit of insight. My mother is passive and non-confrontational. She’s been that way for all of my years. I didn’t realize it until my father passed and I looked to her for strength. I looked to her to be able to vent. And I couldn’t. So, I realized that I don’t want a passive woman. I want a woman that will stand her ground. I want a woman who can match my strength. I want an equal.

#dating #love #relationships #college #holiday

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